Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
