If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I smell stomach acid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
