Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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