Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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