dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
