I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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