She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize