i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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