based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
