Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I faked an abortion last night.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
