i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
