why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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