I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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