Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
