Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
