call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize