dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
