Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
