he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I need moral support for this bender
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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