Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
