I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
