And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
