Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
