i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
