So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
