I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
