never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize