i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
