so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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