How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
