Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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