break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
