I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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