You kept calling me your small dog last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
