he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
