like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
