i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
