I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
