I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
