ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
