Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
