I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
