get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
