It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
