i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
