I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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