Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
