Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize