i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
