I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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