so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
