I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
