Just fell off a train. Bad.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i love accidental penises.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
