I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
