I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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