If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
FUCK WHALES
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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