I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
