He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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