In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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