He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
